Your Morning Shit is the Best Part of Your Day

Your alarm rips you from your dream. Your eyes shutter open and you wake up next to someone who wasn’t even attractive when you married her.

Your kids don’t respect you, and you’re under investigation at your job for losing a receipt for something that cost $420.69. Life isn’t good for you, at all.

The coffee taste like turpentine because children are expensive and all you can afford is the shitty store-brand coffee grounds. After your sorry excuse for offspring have left your house, your spouse is still in bed. She refused to get a job after your first kid, even though they’re all at school now. At least you’ll have a few minutes of peace and quiet before she lifts herself out of bed.

The crappy coffee is working, so here comes the best part of your day. Your shit. It really is the only tangible thing that’s going to make your day better. You have waste leaving your body, which is the best thing that’ll happen to you in the next 18 hours. At some point your wife will wake up and your kids will come back from the brain-washing institution known as public school in America. But for now, the door is closed and your life is somewhat peaceful.

Now get off the toilet at get to work. You have an interview with internal affairs.