Navy Unveils New “B-21” Class LCS and It’s Still a Piece of Shit

Amid growing concerns that everyone else’s war equipment actually works and not theirs, the US Navy piggybacked off the Air Force’s B-21 Raider unveil and introduced a new LCS Class: The B-21. They just brought back the decommissioned USS Coronado (LCS-4) and painted it black. It still doesn’t work.

“Damn, we really thought painting her black would give her new life,” Captain Noah Idea, Commander, Southeast Regional Maintenance Center, said in an official statement. “Unfortunately, she had to be towed back to port after 69 minutes underway.”

At press time, the Navy just approved an additional $2 million worth of funds for the USS Cowpens’ (CG 63) seven-year availability. No one actually expects her to deploy ever again again.