In Historic First, Navy Goes One Week Without a Suicide

Cheers could be heard all across Navy Yard and commands everywhere when the US Navy went a full seven days without a sailor ending their own life due to work-induced, guttural depression. The type of depression that seeps into your bones and makes your rack, literally a tiny, dark, confined space with less privacy than a toilet stall, your one physical salvation.

“I am so proud of our sailors this week for not making me write a SITREP for deciding the end of their existence on Earth was a superior alternative to staying alive in the Navy,” Captain Iam Klueless, base commander of Naval Station Norfolk said while being awarded a Legion of Merit for the accomplishment.

At press time, CNO ordered all sailors be out on the Do Not Issue List as a precaution. That one decision immediately solved mental health problems across the fleet.