90% of Your Happiness Comes From Vibrations in Your Pocket

Remember when you were a kid, and the first thing you thought about when you woke up was breakfast with your family or leaving on the school bus to see your friends? Now when you wake up the first thing you think about is where your phone is and a notification that your weekly screen time was up 69% since you got home for the holidays.

“Well, thanks to modern day research, we were able to selectively target serotonin receptors in most children born after 1995 to prevent them from developing healthy pleasure feedback loops,” Mark Zuckerberg said while handing his daughter a flip phone from 2003 with a maximum of four contacts for her 16th birthday.

At press time, your three-year-old niece was using her $75 Apple gift card on an expansion pack for Animal Crossing. She hasn’t looked up from her screen once.