Ensigns Quickly Decide Alcohol is Better Alternative to Chaplain

When the decision is between consuming poison and talking to the creepy LT taking up the at-sea cabin who you share no religious beliefs with, the choice is clear - drink.

“Why would I talk to him anyway? All he’ll do is put me on the Do Not Arm list for six months.” SHOUP’s Gunnery Officer, who has at least 19 suicidal fantasies a day, said to his CO right before he qualified expert again on M9. “If really I wanted to kill myself I would have done it already.”

At press time, the embarked Chaplain was seen hosting a “Warrior Toughness” brief that no one with a real job on the ship had time to attend.