Holidays Remind You Why You Only Go Home Once a Year

Now that your dog is dead and your sister is a dude, you have no idea why you’re even home. Your parents got into swinging, and you can’t even find your Little League baseball trophies, what the fuck is the point?

“I’m just so excited to get married to the love of my life next April!” Your high school sweetheart said about a guy that isn’t you. “He’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”

At press time, your best friend just overdosed on fentanyl and the only person that was still legitimately excited to see you was that priest that molested you the night before your First Communion.