LT Ridge Alkonis Signs WNBA Contract in Desperate Hope to Be Freed From Foreign Prison

LCDR(sel) Ridge Alkonis, that dude who fell asleep at the wheel and accidentally ran over three Japanese citizens, has tried out for the WNBA hoping it would help him return home.

“If we can negotiate with a foreign dictatorship we are engaged in a proxy war with for that WNBA player who no one knew existed before she broke Russian Federal Law, then we can easily talk to a democratic country whose national defense we literally pay for commissioned naval officer. I mean Japan should be thankful for us, right?” Some random person said at the commissary.

At press time, LT Ridge Alkonis was allowed two cigarettes a day and eating fermented fish heads for every meal.