USS Constitution to be Renamed USS Emancipation Proclamation

After students at Boston College called Congress complaining about a US Navy warship ship named after a document (the Constitution) that endorsed slavery, the Navy had no choice but to rename the oldest active commissioned warship in the world.

“It’s a new Navy, and we know we can solve centuries of institutional racism with a few name changes.” LCDR Proah Gressive, Naval Surface Forces PAO, said in a press conference. “Now we just have to figure out which other cruisers are named after Confederate victories because I’m pretty sure no one knows which battles are which.”

At press time, all the cruisers were still in emergency dry dock.