How to Time Your Pregnancy For Deployment

Timing your pregnancy for deployment is easy, it just takes some forward thinking:

1) You need to find someone willing to mate with you. This is the Navy, so this is the easiest part. Numbers are in your favor. Don’t use protection, not that male sailors ever do.

2) You need to know your ship’s schedule. This is as easy as jumping on the share drive and clicking on an excel file. Ideally you want the date of conception to be 6-8 weeks before ship’s movement. Might need to start a bit earlier to get your cycle’s timing right.

3) Go to sick call and whatever you do, do NOT say you think you’re pregnant. Give enough symptoms to trigger a test, but not so many where they think you’re malingering.

4) Pee on a stick, pop positive, and spend the next six months at home while all the people you hate the most are eating powdered eggs and veggie sausage for breakfast every day.