Military Jealous of How Awesome Tom Brady’s Divorce Is

Getting divorced as Tom Brady must be awesome. Tom Brady doesn’t lose half his money since his wife is wealthier than him (or get BAH cut). Tom Brady now gets to sleep with Russian models (something you’ve been trying to do since you got your TS). Tom Brady’s kids don’t hate him, because he’s still rich and can buy them things.

You’re down half your money and you haven’t gotten laid since the Obama Administration. You can’t afford your children’s love anymore, and you have no one to blame but yourself because you raised your kids with an iPad in a rubber case, and the only serotonin they know is from materialistic satisfaction. No FarmVille upgrades, no hugs for Daddy. Now your kids will hate you and your ex-wife will leverage them against you in court. Good luck getting even weekend visits. Get fucked.

At press time, Tom Brady was getting laid in a $17 million mansion (that’s the real value, I checked) and you just lost your house, kids, and dog (a three-legged German Shepard named after your grandfather who survived Bloody Ridge). And you’re down half your income plus $6.99 after paying for a monthly subscription to Coffee Meets Bagel. Dumb bitch - you should’ve been richer.