Lockheed Martin Wins $10 Billion Dollar Money Shredder Contract

Champagne bottles were popping at Lockheed’s Maryland headquarters after being awarded a $10 Billion money shredder contract, the largest contract to date.

“This just makes sense from an economic perspective,” Under Secretary of Defense for Acquisitions Doe Waister said in an interview. “We pay so much money for Lockheed to shred tax payer dollars already, might as well do it in-house.”

The $10 billion contract did not factor in cost overruns an lifetime maintenance fees, which are expected to be be as low as $69 billion.

At press time, Under Secretary Doe Waister was seen frantically chasing $100 bills that were overflowing from her pockets.